Beware of the FanFiction Monster!

A while back, I did a post about 'outing' myself as a Twitard by getting myself a vanity plate. Of course, being the big coward that I am, I never did anything about it. Even though I think it would be really fun to drive around with TWITARD on my license plate, constantly having to explain it to those not 'in the know' would get fucking old. Fast. And I'm not sure I could handle the constant eye-rolling that would come from Mr. Latchkey.

But now my obsession with all things Twilight has mutated. It has become a big, scary, three-headed monster that I have absolutely no control over. And the baddest ass part of that monster is FanFic! I'm not going to bore you with how much I fucking love all the smuttiness of FanFic, I believe you already know that from my constant gushing over whatever is currently pwning me. I do believe this monster could easily devour the other two - the books/movies & RPattz - in one big giant bite!

Ooooh, scary! {{{shivers}}}

And I used to blame a select few friends for my addiction to Twismut. Not anymore. Now I blame those four deliciously slutty gals over at Twigasm for the way it has taken over my life. I would like to take this opportunity to tell them how much I love/hate them. Love them for introducing me to the depths of what FanFic has to offer and for giving me lots of new additions to my vocabulary... Hate them for killing my desire to read anything that doesn't involve these characters! If you haven't listened to a Twigasm Podcast yet, get yer ass on over to iTunes and download all of them! It's free and totally fucking worth it. They have provided hours of entertainment during my daily commute.

Twigasm has turned me into Slutty Smurf.

I would never tell my husband this (and neither will any of you... JJ, STY, KITF - I'm talking to you) but one of the reasons I insisted on getting an iPhone was so I could read my smut anywhere and anytime! I believe my excuse was I really needed the phone for work.... he believed me. But I'm thinking he might think something was up if I had the sack to get a vanity plate like this to pledge my undying love...

Happy Halloween everyone! And may you be lucky enough to Trick or Treat at the Cullen home... and maybe even be kidnapped by its inhabitants and used as a sexual slave for their youngest virgin son! Oh wait, no need for kidnapping... I'll volunteer right now!

I just had a stroke!

Thanks TexasKatherine for sending me this fucking stroke inducing masterpiece of beardy Rob. I say "stroke inducing" because not only did I nearly have a stroke, but I felt the urgent need to stroke him! Immediately! Gah! I actually gasped out loud and yes, I think my heart stopped for a moment when I saw this pic. OK, I'll shut up now... hubba hubba!

Another FanFic Rec... a break from the angst!

I'm sure all of you have already read Edward Wallbanger by feathers_mmmm - it's been out for a while. Lots of fellow smutty sluts have suggested I give it a try so I finally gave in - I always seem to be behind the fucking 8 ball with my fan fic reading list. I've been reading so much angst lately, I needed a little hit of pick-me-up. And the final straw was listening to the author (Alice aka feathers_mmmm) and her dirty fucking mouth on the Twigasm podcast. Well, just slap my ass and call me crazy, I can't believe I waited this long... I just love her and this story! I also love that her writing sounds a lot like her - sarcastic and suggestive! I heart this story so much that after I got caught up on Wallbanger, I started in on another one by Alice - I Love L.A. - but that's a story for a different day!

Wallbanger is a light-hearted, snarky tale of Bella, an up and coming interior designer, who recently moves into a fantastic apartment building in San Francisco. And guess who lives next door? (hubba hubba) With walls this thin, the tension is gonna be thick... There are currently 12 chapters posted of pure entertainment. And the best character of all isn't even Edward or Bella! It's Clive the cat who's human-ish personality steals the show most times. If I had a cat, I would totally want him to be the shit like Clive. That's if I even liked cats. I pretty much fucking despise cats.

One particular Clive scene nearly made me pee my pants...

If Clive could have put on a mini smoking jacket, he would have. He stalked the room, pacing back and forth in front of the wall, playing it cool. When Purina launched into her meows though, he couldn't contain himself and he launched himself at the wall. He jumped from nightstand to dresser to shelf, scaling pillows and even a lamp to get closer to his beloved. When he realized he would never be able to burrow under the plaster, he serenaded her with some weird kind of kitty Barry White, his yowls and her howls matching each others in intensity. When the walls began to shake, and Edward was bringing it on home, I was thunderstruck at the way they could maintain their control and focus with the racket that was going on. Clearly, if we could hear them, they must have been able to hear Clive and all his carrying on. Although if I was impaled on the Wallbanger Wondercock, I imagine I could compartmentalize as well...

Later that night they went for round two, and every time she said “Da!” I answered her back in a bored voice. I was tired, I was horny with no release in sight, and my cat had a Q-Tip sticking out of his mouth that looked frighteningly like a tiny cigarette.

I picture Clive to be much cooler looking that this cat, but fuck, it's hard to find a picture of any fucking cat with a Q-Tip in its mouth!

If you're not already reading and in love with this fic, drop what you're doing and get the fuck there STAT! OK, well, if you're currently reading another awesomely delicious fic that you can't pull yourself away from, I'll let it slide. This time. But for the love of all that is holy, put it on your fucking smut list now!

You can bang on my wall any day but just make sure we're not on opposite sides, m'kay? Or you could just bang me...

Another non Twilight book to add to the stack of dust collectors..

I was so excited today to read in my new Entertainment Weekly that John Irving wrote a new book - Last Night in Twisted River. Irving doesn't churn out books every other month like some authors, so it's always a big deal to me when he writes a new one.

I can honestly say he's probably my favorite author. It all started in college when my boyfriend at the time introduced me to A Prayer for Owen Meany and it was all over. I immersed myself in everything I could find from the twisted mind of John Irving. I think there are only a few I haven't read... just couldn't force myself to read Son of the Circus. If you can tear yourself away from the world of Twilight long enough, I would recommend reading Cider House Rules or The Fourth Hand or any of his books for that matter.

But then I got to thinking... can I give up the Twi-saga and Fan Fiction long enough to read it? Just ask any of the other books from the stack collecting dust next to my bed, and they'll answer with a resounding NO. Absolutely not. I can't fucking help myself. If I'm going to read, I'm reading something containing the characters Edward and Bella. If John Irving can write a book with main characters named Edward and Bella, I may spend the time to read it. And if he can make Edward and Bella do dirty dirty things to each other, I'll read it again and again. Come on John, work with me here.

You are my life now.

Or vampires. Give me some vampires and I'll read that shit. Since I picked up Twilight back in January of this year, I have not read a single book that wasn't about vampires. I managed to find a Nora Roberts trilogy about vamps.... yum. And yes, I'll admit it. I'm a sucker for some good, smutty Nora! But since Fan Fiction has come into my life, even she can't write dirty enough sex to keep me interested. I also started reading the Sookie Stackhouse series but in my opinion, I think True Blood is actually better than the books. Weird because that never happens, but I got bored with the books. Plus, hello.... Fan Fiction! Enough said.

Just a gratuitous Rob shot for your Sunday morning. What's with the white spot behind his head? Meh, who cares. He's still fuckably hot.

Even though I'm not sure when, if ever, I'll read the new John Irving book, I still must buy it. For that is another of my sicknesses. I love to buy books. I love books. I love to have them stacked next to my bed -- kind of like a literary security blanket. Sorry John, I'm sure you'll be collecting your share of dust before I find the time out of my busy porn schedule to read you, but I still love you just the same.

PS: I also wanted to give a big THANKS to everyone for following my blog! I can't believe I have over 100 followers. I never thought I'd make it this far!

Hey Twitarded! What the hell is a meme??

I know, I know... I've been away for a long time! Technically only 8 days, but in the Twibloggy world, if you're silent for more than a week, people start to get nervous. No need to get your panties in a twist. VitaminR does not have me locked up in a trunk somewhere so she can have Rob all to herself. I've just been busy. Busy? Yes, busy. I was out of town at a conference for work all week and really didn't have the patience to write a complete blog post on my iPhone. I fucking love that thing (so much that I was close to making out with it at one point) and I feared too much typing on it would prompt me to throw it out the hotel window. But I digress....

If you want to know the Edward's honest truth, I've had the worst blog-writer's block in the history of blog writing. Every time I came up with what I thought was a clever idea, someone either already fucking wrote about it, or I just deemed it stupid and scrapped the idea. It's normally those twat waffles over at Twitarded that steal my ideas. I swear to fucking christ that they must have the password to my blog. Last week, I decided I was going to write about my favorite dirty whores over at Twigasm and how incredibly delicious their podcasts are, and what the fuck? Jenny Jerkface plundered my thunder. (I guess they don't call her Jerkface for nothing!) Honestly, she made it sound way better than I would have anyways... that bitch just has a way with words no normal person can compete with.

So, being tagged to fill out the Twitarded Meme Questionnaire has kind of helped me overcome my writer's block, which is good. Hope you enjoy my answers!

1) What is the craziest/most stupid thing you've ever done (that you would be willing to share!)? -- I may have told this story before but I'm going to tell it again. Before I started dating my husband, I stalked a minor league baseball player one summer. It was fun. I went to so many games and I used to always try to see him walking off the field. God he was hot. One night I was out bar hopping with some girlfriends and I saw him with a couple other guys at a bar. Of course, I couldn't keep my eyes off him. So finally, his friend caught me staring and called me over. We got to talking and then they left. Fuck shit cock, I blew my chance. So we went on with our night, ended up at the popular after hours pizza place, and ran into them again - they were just leaving. So I said, 'Where you guys going?' And they said, 'Back to Tim's.' And then Tim turns around and says, 'Are you guys coming?' (Ah ya, in my pants, right now!) So we show up at Tim's hotel suite and he answers the door in fucking boxer shorts. Muthafucker! So my friends and I hang out for a while and then Tim goes into his room and of course I have to follow because I'm a slut like that. I end up making out with him. We leave there at like 3am and our car is locked in the garage at this point. Fast forward a couple weeks.... his girlfriend had come and gone... we hook up... finally! I fuck him. He's a horrible lay with no skills and I just wasted my whole fucking summer stalking a teeny peen! Oh well, I still had a good time!!

2) One my personal favorite games: Fuck, Marry, Kill. With the Twilight cast. -- I answered this first because it's the easiest. I would FUCK Carlisle, MARRY Edward and KILL Mike Newton. But let's clarify... I will be fucking Edward every night because we're married (I'm sure my RL husband would choke on his beer if he read this because he's sure as shit not getting laid every night.) And because Edward loves me so, I don't think he would be opposed to working Carlisle into a threesome every now and then.

3) What is your favorite band/type of music? -- I like all sorts of shit. I'm a big fan of the 80's having graduated from high school in that decade. I especially love 80's alternative. And I can't leave out the 90's grunge era - just love all those flannel wearing, dirty boys. (Hmmm.... sounds kinda familiar.) This summer I've been addicted to Incubus and Kings of Leon. I'm also a super huge Led Zeppelin fan and would've given a kidney to have been at that fucking reunion concert in London.

4) What is your favorite movie besides Twilight? -- That's easy. I fucking LOVE The Departed.

5) Do you RL life family/friends know you’re addicted to Twilight? A blogger? -- Oh surely you jest! Most of my friends and family know of my passion for all things Twilight, but don't know the extent. I have a few close friends I've confided in that know of my deep obsession with the Twi-world and Fan Fiction. Only a select few know of the Blog -- and most definitely NOT my family! Fuck, you guys read it. Would you want your mother reading this filth? And my husband knows the least of anyone - like almost nothing!

6) How many hours a week do you spend doing Twi related things? You know, blogging, looking at pictures of the cast, reading fan fiction, etc. -- I used to spend a couple hours a night at least when my husband was working second shift. Now he's moved to first and I don't spend nearly enough time and it frankly pisses me the fuck off. So I resort to doing this shit at work (which is what I'm doing right now!! Bad LKW!!) I do read fan fiction at home in front of Mr. LKW, but all he knows is that I'm reading dirty stories and he's most likely going to get a blowjob after I'm done so he has no complaints.

7) Any random fact you might want to share. Big or small, it doesn't matter. -- I didn't used to be like this. As I get older, my mouth and mind get dirtier. Not that that's a bad thing. I'm a completely different person around my husband than I am around my friends and I don't like that about me. I wish that wasn't the case... but it is. I enjoy those times I get to go out with just my girlfriends and party it up without the eye rolling of the S/O. I also love to laugh, and make other people laugh. There is nothing better than when your face and guts hurt from laughing so hard. When I first discovered FaceinHole... those were some good face hurting laughs. I love my family more than anything else in the world and my mom is one of my bestest friends. (Of course, not so bestest that she gets to know about my blog.... sorry mom!)

Let's see... who can I tag??

• Sparkle

• Twidiculous Wives

• TwiSoup

• Betti. Music. Twilight.

Hope I did this right... for some reason, I had a hard time wrapping my brain this!!

Latchkey Wife + VitaminR = Take a look and see!

It's been a long couple of weeks battling it out over Rob with VitaminR. Threats and insults have been flung back and forth... We've even nearly let Snarkier Than You set up a Pay-Per-View wrestling match... in mud or jello or custard or some gooey substance. And she even hijacked my fucking blog at one point! Man, that bitch fights dirty! Well now I'm just tired of feuding. We ain't spring chicks anymore! OK, maybe VitaminR still is since she's a bit younger than me.

But I didn't want to give up on my happiness... the future of Robkey Wife was in jeopardy!

I think this video speaks for itself... and that's all I have to say about that.

Latchkey Wife is in loooooooove!

Sorry I've been MIA lately.... but no need to worry, Mr. Latchkey didn't find out my secrets and lock me away from all my Twibloggy friends. Noooo.... he's actually deep in the Maine woods hunting for a big moose to fill my freezer with for the long, cold winter! So with all this free time, why haven't I been hammering out the blog posts you ask? Well, you see, I've fallen in love... No sillies, I'm not having a hot sweaty affair on the side (only because RPattz hasn't come a knocking on my door yet.) Nope, I'm in love with a story. An incredible FanFiction piece called Emancipation Proclamation by kharizzmatik.

Così scopare buon.

Have you started reading it yet? If not, stop what you're doing right now (yes, even if you're reading my blog) and run very fast to this story (or just click on the link above, it's quicker.) It will suck you in and own you faster than you can say 'black market slave trade.' Don't get me wrong... I don't love it more than Wide Awake or The Office or Clipped Wings and Inked Armor... but I love it just as much! The characters, as always, get under my skin so much that I start thinking about them like they're my friends. And call me pathetic,but I actually spend time actually worrying about them too.

Sei la prima cosa che penso quando mi sveglio, e l'ultima quando mi addormento.

The plot is unlike anything I've read before as far as Twilight-based fan fictions go. I mean, she actually makes Carlisle a bad guy! Ugh! I had a really hard time with that at first. Really hard time. Here's the synopsis to give you a little taste (and once you get a taste, I know you'll want a big old bite next!) Edward grew up in a life of money, power, & respect. Isabella was born into slavery-has never known another way. Their worlds collide & neither will ever be the same again. Will he give her freedom? Can he bear to ever let her go?

È stato amore a prima vista.

I was very skeptical when I started this story. The first couple of chapters had me shaking my head saying what the fuck is this story and why is everyone so in love with it! But I had faith in my fellow slutty twitarded friends and I knew Jenny Jerkface would NEVER steer me wrong, so I gave it a chance. And I'm so happy I did. But now I have a problem... this story fucking owns my ass and there's nothing I can do about it until it's finished. For example, the whole time I've been typing this post, all I can think about is getting back to my reading. It was so fucking hard to not just drop all my work today and immerse myself in it. (Okay, I'll admit, I did get a few chapters in during my lunch hour, but it was hard to stop!!)

Prometto di non danneggiarlo.

In chatting about it with my friend K_InTheFlo last night, I confessed that this was the first fan fiction, that puts the Twilight characters into an alternate universe, where I've actually pictured Edward as Rob. And that makes it hot. And it makes my lady bits tingle. And it makes my throat dry. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. So I had to spend some time searching for the perfect pictures to help me through the rest of this tale and hope that I don't end up a puddle in my chair by the time it's over.

Lo voglio venire per me. Che bella sborrata.

And once Edward starts speaking Italian to you... you'll be a puddle in your chair too! Fuck, between the Italian Edward and the Beautiful Bastard speaking French... gah... {{{fans self furiously}}} Enjoy the ride ladies... it's a bumpy one!

Ciucciami il cazzo. OK, if you insist!

***************************************************

Così scopare buon= So fucking good

Sei la prima cosa che penso quando mi sveglio, e l'ultima quando mi addormento. = You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I fall asleep.

È stato amore a prima vista = It was love at first sight

Prometto di non danneggiarlo = I promise not to hurt you

Lo voglio venire per me. = I want you to cum for me

Che bella sborrata = slang for an amazing orgasm

Ciucciami il cazzo = suck my dick