If I could interview RPattz, what would I ask?

With the release of New Moon and the crazy influx of new interviews with our British friend, I've decided that I've become quite tired of the same old fucking questions every single interviewer wants to ask him... We know by now that he did NOT know Twilight would be this big and he'd have women throwing themselves at him. Shut the fuck up people!

And if I hear one more person talk about that moronic twat that handed her baby over to him to bite or do whatever with, I'm going to stroke out. That happened during the filming of Twilight. Old news, asstards. I don't care when the last time he cried was because frankly that just makes him look like a pussy. And it's obvious to me that if he had some private time without women screeching at him, he'd probably just want to go out for beers. With me. Sorry.

I think us, ahem, older women would like to know some other things about RPattz that no one seems to want to ask. Because honestly, I don't give two steamy shits whether or not he's dating KStew, but I do want to know if he's gettin' any! Can I be responsible for the 'any'?

Given the opportunity to interview 'the precious', here's a sampling of some questions I might ask him... [And yes, I'm putting answers in his mouth so shut it. There are some other things I'd like to put in his mouth too... and mine.]

Let's set the mood - the setting - his uber messy hotel room. Rob has not quite made it out of bed yet... Hey, as long as the sheets are clean... I can handle some Hot Pocket wrappers and empty beer bottles. I'm easy like that. Oh and there may be some adult content ahead so if you ignored the first warning, please heed this one and go away.

Hi Rob. I'm Latchkey Wife. I know, odd name - I can explain it to you some time. Later. If you're not doing anything... I'd like to ask you some questions that I'm sure, like me, lots of ladies are anxious to hear the answers to. I promise not to ask you if you're dating Kristen, because honestly I don't give a flying fuck.

LKW: First, if you would humor me... could you say 'fuck' for me?

RP: Fuck.

LKW: Hmmmmm... nice. Ok, say 'pussy'.

RP: Pussy.

LKW: {{dies}} Uh, ah, ok... how about using both in a sentence?

RP: Sure. How about... 'I'd like to pull you into this bed with me fuck the living hell out of your pussy.'

LKW: {{picks herself off the floor}} Ungh, that works.

RP: {{winks at LKW}} Maybe later.

LKW: {{wipes drool off chin}} OK, back to the interview. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

RP: 17 {{said in his best Edward voice}}

LKW: How long have you been 17? {{chuckles at herself}} Sorry, I couldn't help myself. Seriously, ok, what is your favorite sexual position?

RP: Hmmm... I'd say girl on top.

LKW: Great, lay flat then.

RP: Wha?

LKW: Just kidding, geez... What is the dirtiest thing a fan has ever said to you or asked you?

RP: Oooh, I can't really remember, but I think whatever it was, I'm going to hear something much dirtier today.

LKW: Aw, so cute. We just met, yet you already know me so well. Give me time and I may prove you right. Would you be opposed to dating... eh, ok not so much dating... fucking an older woman? Say one that's maybe sixteen years older than you?

RP: Why Latchkey Wife, you couldn't be talking about yourself... you don't look a day over 29.

LKW: Take your clothes off.

RP: Excuse me?

LKW: I said thank you, you're so kind. Answer the question.

RP: I guess it would depend on the older woman. I'm really into short, husky blondes. {{smirks slyly}} What are you doing later?

LKW: Hopefully sitting on your face.

RP: {{face reddens}} Pardon me?

LKW: I said I have a dinner date. Ok, do your best Bella.

RP: Come again?

LKW: Oh don't worry, that will happen...again and again. I asked you to do your best Bella. You know, get all twitchy and stuttery and huffy.

RP: I get it... "What? Are you ser... No! No! How-- I don't even know what you're say--- How-- What are you-- What are talking about?..." How was that?

LKW: You're perfect. Can I see your cock?

And that's when security had enough of my line of questioning and gently escorted me out of the room. Fucking pansies.

So what burning question would you want to ask RPattz given the chance?

Oh. My. Edward!

Wow! Just got home from my matinee and all I can say is -- wow! And when can I see it again and again and again... I'll post more once I've had the chance to process all the wow-ness. Chris Weitz, you are my life now! Fuck that was good. I need a cigarette.

I know it's 'New Moon' time but 'Remember Me' - holy crap!

I don't really have words right now, I'm just floored. I know this is going to be a great movie and from the looks of the trailer, it appears Rob is fantastic! (Was there ever any doubt??) I'm going to love seeing him in another role - as much as I love me some Edward, I'm anxious to see him stretch his acting wings!

And I hear there's some hot sex too! That's what I miss about Twilight - the hot sex. (That's why I love fanfiction - the hot sex!) Oh please let this movie be rated R! Please please please! I'll give a vital organ if only I get to see some RPattz skin! Fuck, that makes me moist just thinking about it.

Oh and while I'm giving away organs, I need him to curse too... all I need is just one 'fuck' to spill from those delicious lips and I'll be one happy cougar!

I will say that this trailer made me almost cry. (Shut it, I'm a major sissy pants and can cry the drop of a hat!) I'm not sure why - I don't know if it was the somber tone of the trailer or if I'm just so fucking ecstatic that Rob looks and sounds incredible! Our boy is all growed up now ladies... Now if I could only get my grubby little hands all over him...

Oh and one more thing... movie comes out 3/12/10!!

The Office: R.I.P.

[I hate not giving you all something to read every day and lately, I've been crazed! This could possibly have something to do with the fact that my husband is working the same hours as me. Ugh! So I've hired some help... ok, well not hired. Not like she's getting paid or anything. More like bullied her into doing it! Please give a warm welcome to first-time blogger and long-time wise-ass commenter, TexasKatherine. Or as I like to call her - TK, in homage to CW&IA.]

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I have to admit, I was rather nonplused when a certain doe-eyed, foul-mouthed Yankee (cough, LatchkeyWife, cough) asked me to write a post for her blog. The fuck? Who wants to hear from my rambling ADD ass? Oh, look! A shiny penny! Though I am afraid of the repercussions if I bollix this mother up, I have reluctantly agreed. Let’s keep the riots to a minimum if this shit goes south, kay?

At a complete loss as to what to write, my usual scattered thoughts suddenly became laser focused when LKW e-mailed me that The Office was walking toward the light. I was apoplectic with shock. I’m pretty sure I channeled Bella in the final hospital scene: “wha…uh…ho…no…wha-I don’t even know what you’re saying…”

Adieu mes chers ... s'approvisionner en culottes nouveau pour moi de déchirer quand nous nous reverrons!*

I love this story. In an unhealthy way. Or a veeery healthy way—I’ll let you be the judge. This story pwned my ass so hard, and by extension, my husbands—though he doesn’t know it. It’s like tby789 / Christina plucked my weaknesses straight out of my brain and wove them into a beautifully slutty story. I like my shoes and lingerie like I like my wine—out of my price range. This tale had me at La Perla. It’s like my own personal brand of heroin. If I hadn’t ejected it years ago, I would have sold my soul to the Devil for an update.

Now, according to Christina’s blog, it has been taken from us before its time. [Cue Amazing Grace] Why? Why must the good die young? Apparently we will still get the epilogue and the outtake, but the story has been removed from fanfiction.net and twilighted.net. The author is fairly vague about her reasons, which has let to much speculation. Possibly an alien abduction, radioactive spiders, kryptonite… One thing is certain: the Beautiful Bastard has ripped his last pair of panties. Words fail me. Can we all just pull in tight for a group hug? If anyone needs me, I’ll be comfort eating and spooning my Vanity Fair.

~TexasKatherine

*Goodbye ladies... stock up on new panties for me to rip when we meet again!

Fan Fiction makes me want to do 'it' all over.

Fan Fiction should come with a warning. "May make you want to have sex all over the place." It really does. Every single story I've read has some kick ass sex in some awkward places... stairwells, elevators, public restrooms, dressing rooms, in cars, on cars... the list goes on and on. And it makes me want to do it. Everywhere.

I'll admit, I've had sex in a car (ok, a pick-up truck... shut it, I'm from Maine!), but never on the hood of a car. Ugh... now I want to. But I've never been the most graceful girl in the world so I'm sure something would happen to completely fuck it up. Either my big fat ass would leave an un-repairable dent (that's embarrassing), or maybe I'd just slide right off the front of the car, landing on said fat ass with a thud. Uh huh, that's wicked sexy. I can guarantee it would never be as smooth as they do it in FanFicLand!

And then there's the kitchen counter. Is it wrong that every time I'm doing something in the kitchen, all I can think about is getting railed on the counter? There's just one problem... I have granite countertops and those fuckers are cold. Even in July. My naked ass would stick to it like a tongue to a metal pole in January. I guess I could try sitting on a towel, but that provides zero traction and I'd either end up on the floor, or worse, on a fucking hot stove!

But most of all, I want to have sex in the shower ALL the time! When a hot shower scene is written well, it always sounds so delicious. And sexy. In reality, I'm not sure how this shit gets done. It's slippery and wet and dangerous (ooooh, danger). I somehow have to turn into a fucking acrobat to accomplish shower sex. And I'm lucky I haven't cracked open my skull yet! Although I'd risk a brain injury to have shower sex with RPattz... wouldn't you?

Are you ready for me Latchkey Wife. I promise I won't let you bust your head open. I'll hold on tight (with my penis of course.)

RPattz + Pretty Photos = Yummy Video

UPDATE: Sorry to those of you who tried to watch the video yesterday morning. YouTube cockblocked me pretty quickly. So I'm giving it another try with different music. This really pisses me off because it was a kick ass video with the Violent Femmes "Add It Up" and that's the reason it was taken down. Guess the Femmes don't appreciate their music being used without their permission. Pussies.

So let's give this another try! This is my first video created on my brand new iMac that I seriously want to just stare at all day because it's so damn pretty. And then add pictures of "the pretty" into the mix and I'm dangerously close to dry humping this thing which would be an acrobatic feat in itself!

Hope you enjoy it! I know it took at least a couple of, ahem, wardrobe changes to get this thing done! I went back to my roots for this one - kicking it 80's style. (If the music makes you want to vomit, I suggest muting it and putting on the Violent Femmes "Add It Up" on your iTunes.)

You may want to click on the video to watch it at YouTube. It's cut off a bit in the blog post!

Is there anything that could make me not HATE the grocery store?

Let me just get this right out in the open. I fucking hate the grocery store! I hate it with a passion so deep, when Mr. Latchkey asks me to stop on the way home to pick up a few things, it ruins my whole fucking day. I instantly turn into a pouty 3-year old. I would almost rather go to the gynecologist, then have to spend any more that 37 seconds in a supermarket. I'd rather have to clean the toilets at the state prison after taco night... ok, maybe not that, but you get the idea.

I'm not sure what my problem is... maybe it's all the food. Maybe I'm just deathly afraid I'm not going to be able to control myself and end up eating my way up and down every aisle. Or maybe it's the moronic retards that park their cart on one side of the aisle while standing on the other side perusing the shelves, thus making it impossible to get by. Or maybe it's the 9,000 year old husband and wife who team shop, each with their own carts, walking side by side, at a retreating glacier's pace. Or maybe it's those tiny carts they make for kids... yup, that's it. I want to fucking murder the genius who thought that was a good idea.

Who do I want to kill more? The asswipe who invented this cart or the parent who let the kid have one?

Is there anything that could change my attitude towards the grocery store? I mean, shit, it never really did anything to me. It didn't sleep with my husband or let its dog crap on my lawn.

In a perfect world, there would be smoking hot guys working in every department... some incentive to actually make me want to do the shopping. Or maybe I can find a nice young man to help me pick out some juicy fruit. And help me in the check out line. And most importantly, help me get those heavy groceries to the car! Mmmm... I think that would make the grocery store much better. I might even volunteer to go every day. Although Mr. Latchkey might get suspicious I was having an affair with the produce guy. OK, maybe I am... in my dreams anyway.

Ma'am, could I assist you in picking out some ripe melons? Here, let me squeeze them for you. Oh yes, nice and juicy.

That will be $107.98. Here are your coupons. What? No, there's no coupon in there for sex with me. Fucking cougars...

Let me help you to your car with those bags. And as a tip, maybe you could give me a blowjob in the back seat.

Ah ya, that's more like it. Sounds like a shopping experience I can wrap my lips around. [A big giant thanks to the RPattzLawyer over at Robnipulations for letting me abuse these photos! Check them out over there, they do some funny funny shit!]