Let me just get this right out in the open. I fucking hate the grocery store! I hate it with a passion so deep, when Mr. Latchkey asks me to stop on the way home to pick up a few things, it ruins my whole fucking day. I instantly turn into a pouty 3-year old. I would almost rather go to the gynecologist, then have to spend any more that 37 seconds in a supermarket. I'd rather have to clean the toilets at the state prison after taco night... ok, maybe not that, but you get the idea.
I'm not sure what my problem is... maybe it's all the food. Maybe I'm just deathly afraid I'm not going to be able to control myself and end up eating my way up and down every aisle. Or maybe it's the moronic retards that park their cart on one side of the aisle while standing on the other side perusing the shelves, thus making it impossible to get by. Or maybe it's the 9,000 year old husband and wife who team shop, each with their own carts, walking side by side, at a retreating glacier's pace. Or maybe it's those tiny carts they make for kids... yup, that's it. I want to fucking murder the genius who thought that was a good idea.
Who do I want to kill more? The asswipe who invented this cart or the parent who let the kid have one?
Is there anything that could change my attitude towards the grocery store? I mean, shit, it never really did anything to me. It didn't sleep with my husband or let its dog crap on my lawn.
In a perfect world, there would be smoking hot guys working in every department... some incentive to actually make me want to do the shopping. Or maybe I can find a nice young man to help me pick out some juicy fruit. And help me in the check out line. And most importantly, help me get those heavy groceries to the car! Mmmm... I think that would make the grocery store much better. I might even volunteer to go every day. Although Mr. Latchkey might get suspicious I was having an affair with the produce guy. OK, maybe I am... in my dreams anyway.
Ma'am, could I assist you in picking out some ripe melons? Here, let me squeeze them for you. Oh yes, nice and juicy.
That will be $107.98. Here are your coupons. What? No, there's no coupon in there for sex with me. Fucking cougars...
Let me help you to your car with those bags. And as a tip, maybe you could give me a blowjob in the back seat.
Ah ya, that's more like it. Sounds like a shopping experience I can wrap my lips around. [A big giant thanks to the RPattzLawyer over at Robnipulations for letting me abuse these photos! Check them out over there, they do some funny funny shit!]
12 comments:
I went to the grocery store by myself today & loved it. Time away from Mr & the kid. Not to mention I could spend as long as I like with the Robazines.
However, your version sounds much better. Rob can squeeze my melons anyday.
Remind me that you & I can NEVER go to the grocery store together. I am involved in some sort of altercation nearly everytime I go. Between the asswipe patrons, the store not restocking shit in a timely manner & my total lack of social graces, I am on a homicidal warpath by the time I leave. I was actually excited to go today because I thought the new VF was on the stands & I couldn't wait to get home with my newest Rob contraband. Alas, I was cockblocked. I'm not sure if it's just not out yet or if those fuckers are shirking their stocking duties AGAIN, but it ruined my day. If I had eye candy even remotely like any of those photos I would go to the store everyday. And buy 1 item at a time. And hell yes, I would need help carrying it out. Who am I kidding? I would be banned from the store in a week.
Holy shit....I'm peeing my pants over here!!!! I love a good photoshopped Patz!!!! Those are works of art!!! LOLOL!!!!
I would be at the grocery store every spare minute if it was anything like that!!!
Hifuckinlarious manips and captions! Yeah I'm going outta my way to patronize THAT grocery store.
LMFAO!! I love this post - I too, am a hater of the grocery store, whether I get to go alone or have to take the kids - I joke that my purgatory is going to be being stuck in a grocery store full of slow shoppers and LeAnn Rimes music will blasting thru the speakers.
If you find this dream grocery store full of hot stockboys that all uncannily resemble RPattz - make sure you pass along it's location!
LMFAO!!! Apple could really step up their ads. if they marketed Rob and the 'hump factor'. :D
I totally emphathize with you when it comes to grocery stores.
Wouldn't an RPATTZ FOODS Rock?!?! Could you imagine the line up just to get in?
Hahahaha, that was great! I too hate the grocery store. I actually hate anything that comes under the heading "shopping", unless it's Borders where I can peruse through the new Twi-paraphernalia. However, if there were a certain stock boy there, I might find a reason to go every five minutes for ummm condoms, whipping cream, batteries for the camcorder, cigarettes (for him, not me), breath mints (for both of us), handcuffs (do they sell those at the grocery store?), a frozen pizza (we'll have to eat something to keep our strength up for this marathon). Whew, getting sweaty just thinking about it!
I am 100% with you on hating the grocery store. I say my personal hell will be located in a grocery store where I am stuck with a cart with a wanky wheel. Grocery shopping makes me violent and Mr. Moxie finally agreed after my most recent supermarket fiasco that he will do the shopping from now on.
Unfortunately none of the employees look like Rob. They all look like sea hags and special bus Corky.
I effing hate the grocery store also.
I REALLY hate the damn people stocking the shelves. I mean, I know it is their job and all but what the fuck! They are ALWAYS right where I need to be and then they look at ME like I'm the fucktard when I need something where they are working. Just give me my fucking Ramen noodles bitches. Hey move...get out the way.
Anywhoo...I would probably be less angry if the person stocking the shelves looked like RPatz. I would probably go in for the low waist innapropriate "graze" as I reached for my product.
Tuesday, VF is out Tuesday... Sigh. Unless you live in LA or NY then it was LAST Tuesday.
how did i miss this?! lol!!! love the pics! i have to get out of my own little world more often - sheesh!
and oh brother if the guys at the grocery store looked like this! out local store only hires..."special" people, as far as i can tell... not that there's anything wrong with that...
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